A1C

"Imagine failing at something you really, really wanted to do. Then imagine how it feels to fail at something you never wanted to do in the first place."

This is a quote from the chief medical director of the artificial pancreas project funded by Animas Corp. He was speaking to a group of parents of children with diabetes and it completely sums up the way I feel about trying to manage Brady's diabetes.

It's not just a daily struggle but an hourly struggle to keep Brady's blood sugar numbers within range. I am dreading his next endocrinologist appt. beocause I know his A1C (his average blood sugar over 3 months time) is going to be horrible. Over the summer we had his A1C down to around 7.5 which is perfect for him. He isn't supposed to have more than 10% lows or be high over 50% of the time. With an A1C of 7.5 he would most definitely avoid serious complications of diabetes such as blindness, heart disease, and nerve damage in his feet and hands. I recently read that most diabetics start showing eye damage after 20 years of having the disease. That means Brady would only be 22 years old by the time he could have problems with his eyes. 22!!! This scares the shit out of me!

Ultimately the burden of his A1C falls on mine and Aaron's shoulders but mostly mine since I'm with him more hours of the day than Aaron is. Every endo. appt. is like a performance review for me and I always feel as though I have to defend why we did or didn't do certain things in regards to his basal rates and corrections. It really seems like a full time job sometimes and I'm not sure how some parents manage their kids diabetes while trying to work full time.

Sometimes diabetes is all I think about, it's hard not to when you think about how often a kid eats. My kids tend to eat at least every two hours, when he gets older he will have to stick to a more regimented eating schedule, but at this point we just try to make sure he is eating healthy foods and not too many sweets. Brady is so good about eating right. He always eats a good breakfast, lunch and dinner and never skips the veggies.

But, unfortunetly I'm not perfect and sometimes I forget to give him insulin for that last granola bar he ate b/c I was changing a poopy diaper. Or sometimes I don't correct a blood sugar of 220 at 4am because I am so tired from checking him at 2am and not sleeping the three previous nights that I let him be a little high so I don't have to worry about him dropping low. All these things can be add up to a unfavorable A1C and it's all on me.

I hate that I have to be on top of my diabetes game all the time, but we all would do anything for our kids, no matter how little sleep we get. I hate that all the attention that we do give Brady's diabetes effects my other two kids in a negative way. Ryker will tell me that he needs to sleep in our bed b/c his blood sugar is low. How do you treat all three of your kids equally when really health wise they aren't. I hate that I will never ever stop worry about Brady's blood sugar, not even when he is in college. Truth is diabetes sucks, it sucks balls. I hate that someday all this worry and burden will be soley on Brady's shoulders. He is already a kid that worries a lot and I'm concerned that his disease is going to be a bit much for him at times. I know I'm not going to give up fighting this stuipid disease and I sure hope he doesn't either.