April 7th did not go as planned.

This is how April 7th should have gone:

-wake up with my new baby girl and feed her
-have some breakfast
-take a shower
-go to Jillian's doctor appt.
-have a little lunch date with Aaron and Jillian
-come home and play with the boys
-take a nap with Jillian
-have dinner
-go to bed

But that is definitely not how the day went.

But first you need the back story. As you all may or may not know I had to have a c-section. It being my third one my incision didn't want to close like it should. So on April 6th I had a doctor's appt so he could take out the staples. Well as my doctor had predicted it didn't close so I basically had a 7" long 1 1/2 " deep hole in my abdomen. He then preceded to tell me that I would have to clean it out and pack it with gauze three times a day. Then he handed me a mirror and showed me what it looked like. I could have gone my whole life without seeing that sight. Nobody wants to see a huge gaping wound in their abdomen. Seriously it was like a horror movie. Then the doctor stepped out to answer a phone call and I just lost it.
My Mom was with me and she told me it would be alright and she would help me, but I just freaked out. Not so much from the sight of my wound, but from the simple fact that I had to worry about cleaning and packing a wound three times a day on top of everything else. Things like Brady's diabetes, feeding and taking care of a new born, making sure I pay enough attention to Ryker, trying to find a house to move in to in Ephrata, possibly building our dream home, selling our current home, ect. ect.
I just felt completely overwhelmed. I was pretty depressed for the rest of the day and cried every time I talked about it. I went to sleep that night not anywhere at ease with my situation.

So cut to 5am on April 7th.

I wake up with the most intense pain I have ever felt in my boobs. It was the most intense pain I had ever felt period and nothing seemed to make it go away. Then I started sweating buckets. I woke Aaron up and told him something was wrong and to call my Dad cause I was starting to freak out a little. My Dad said it sounded like Mastitis even though that doesn't generally occur in both breasts at the same time. The only way I can describe the pain is that it started at the top of my chest and radiated out towards my nipples. I tried to nurse but it didn't help, I tried a heat pad and that didn't help, I tried ice and that didn't help. Then my back started to hurt just as bad, right in between my shoulder blades. It hurt so bad I was almost in tears and ready to go to the ER. Finally around 7:40am the pain suddenly went away. My chest was still a little tight and my back still hurt a little but I was so grateful that the pain had gone away.

So I got up and took a shower and ate breakfast. Jillian had an appt. at 11:30 so Aaron and I got ready to take her in. Her appt. went great and I wasn't going to mention the pain I had that morning only b/c it wasn't my appt., but I thought I would just to be safe. The first thing our doc thought it could be was mastitis as well but he decided to listen to my heart. He immediately asked me if I could feel the arithmiya I had and I said yes that it has started in the 2nd trimester but went away during the third. He wanted to then do a a EKG on my heart. After he got those results back he didn't like what he saw so he sent us over to the ER to get checked out. They drew blood to check for high levels of cardiac enzymes, they did an x-ray, a cat-scan, and an ultra sound of my heart. Then the cardiologist came into the room and told me that the chest pain I had felt that morning was a heart attack. Yes folks, I had a heart attack. They then rushed me to the cath lab and the last thing I remember is Aaron holding Jillian with total fear in his eyes. He and I were both crying and I told him I loved him as they wheeled me away and he said the same.

In the cath lab they inserted a tube through the main artery in my leg up to my heart to make sure there weren't any blood clots or blockages in my heart. The cardiologist said it wouldn't hurt, he lied. It hurt like hell, but to try to calm myself down I just repeated my kids names and Aaron's name over and over in my head, Brady, Ryker, Jillian, Aaron....Brady, Ryker, Jillian, Aaron. After the doctor was done he told me that he didn't see any blockages but that there was significant damage to my heart, but he was pretty sure I had what is called broken heart syndrome. Basically it's a massive shock to the heart that is caused by stress. Unlike a normal heart attack the damage that is done to the heart isn't permanent. My heart should repair itself within 2-3 weeks. And it's very rare that it will happen again. Until then I have to be on some pretty powerful medication, which means I can't breastfeed anymore. That didn't sit very well with me and I got pretty upset. I wound up having to be in the ICU for 3 days hooked up to heart monitors and being poked for blood every 6 hours. The most upsetting thing was that I couldn't be with Jillian for 3 days. Thankfully she took a bottle right away for Aaron, but he was so stressed and was trying to care for Jillian at night as well as deal with Brady's diabetes at night. I could tell right away the next day that he needed a little more help. My Mom took the baby the next night and Aaron got a little more sleep. I've heard Aaron say that it was the worst day of his life. I think he really thought he was going to lose me. I don't know what I thought. All I really remember is being scared shitless. Scared that I wouldn't be there for my kids and my husband. I didn't want to make him a widow.

So I'm home now, my Mom is staying with us for a little longer than planned. My incision is healing up better and after a visit from the wound care clinic, I don't have to change the dressing as often. On a lighter note, God blessed us with the most beautiful baby girl and she is the best baby anyone could hope for. She sleeps great even with the kids running around her, she eats great, and she rarely ever cries. Aaron and I are completely head over heels in love with her and her brothers are pretty enamored with her too. Nothing makes me smile more then seeing Brady and Ryker hold they're little sister.

I know I scared my family and I feel bad about that. But at least I got to see my sister and her family. She drove up all the way from California and helped Aaron and my Mom out. I'm fine now and I feel better everyday. We're still not sure when we're moving b/c we haven't found a place to rent yet. I'll keep you updated. Here's a pic of my little Jilly Bean just to make this post a little more upbeat. :)